What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:40
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
(And it was in our own minds.)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Is it okay if I sleep with my brother without my husband knowing?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Comes on , in middle age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I said to her
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was 9 years of age.
We all went to grammer schools
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why do doctors refuse HRT to menopausal women but hand them out to trans people?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
What is every dictators biggest fear?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She found it foreign!.
Would the word literate carry the same meaning with public (common wealth) in 1900 vs today 2020?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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I don,t even have a pension.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why do men love to stink/being smelly?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She wouldn,t have been !
What are some good Caribbean islands to travel to with friends or family? Why?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Put me off passion for life!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Would this be the day?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So whats the point in blame.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He knew the spot.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i lived it daily.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But, we were locked up after school.
Ive learnt so much.
Im still living with it.
She married twice! .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was in good health!
All the time i was locked up.
I will be 64.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot live in the past .
Who then, do I blame.?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It was going to be , some day.
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I couldn’t, believe it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was very sick at this time too.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was scared of men, in general
My family never makes their pension either.
I think the readers, may guess!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I waited trembling.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My life is so biszare .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
When she asked me how she looked .
This is soul school!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I have no regrets .
But it wasn’t much.
What did i know ?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why did i forgive my father ?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I write beautiful poetry .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She loved him until the end.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was seconnd youngest,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!